Reflections on a Body of Work, art in 2018

 “Floored”, oil on canvas, 2018

“Floored”, oil on canvas, 2018

A terribly difficult year is about to end and I couldn’t be happier. Not that I need a New Year to refresh my perspective but this year my changes need a good, solid reset button.  Why not add the champagne?

When I went over the art works I completed this year and I about fell over in self shame.  I won’t discuss my personal disappointment with low production.  I’m certain my recent challenges are justified in such failure but in competing with myself, 2018 was a downer. There will be no December show this year.

However, other good things will come about instead.  I’m going for a February show instead but not specifically ART PORN themed because I won’t be able to make enough paintings for it.  I posted some new works on my website recently, some of which will be included in the new show unless I kick ass here soon and create replacements. I also have two large paintings I was working on this spring and haven’t been able to return to them so I hope they will find themselves on a wall completed by February as well. Lastly, I am currently working on a new piece I began this week- because I just had to. I had an idea and needed to get it down before I forgot or lost excitement for it. I boxed up the oil paints that had given me so much trouble this year and pulled out my acrylics and I’m truly loving having my artistic process back, something familiar and somewhat comfortable. My process just doesn’t work the same way with oil paint. What an interesting and frustrating discovery.

While I attempted to continue in my ART PORN vision for the next show, I found it difficult to produce those images this year.  I didn’t like any of my results for my ART PORN themes and that’s awful, when the artist doesn’t like their own work.  In frustration I simply painted what I felt driven towards even when it didn’t make sense – and a lot of it didn’t.  However, when I look at the totality of what I created this year, I see what I needed to see and feel this year wasn’t meant to be a show for others but rather a display for my own eyes.

When living and creating through intuitive processes, the level of self-trust required is elite and it’s just plain difficult, I won’t lie.  In my case, I give myself a gold medal because it was excruciating not succeeding in creating any ART PORN paintings to completion while knowing week after week that I was in no way going to be able to create the show I wanted to because I wasn’t producing enough good work — and, I can’t really explain why they weren’t good enough other than they felt off.  Trusting the creative process when the direction you’re going isn’t making sense is the most difficult thing to surrender to.  I really tried very hard to go into the ART PORN direction but it didn’t work.  Every painting was such a struggle and a place of negative emotion that the paintings and the process itself just wasn’t satisfying on any level.  I had to stop. Instead I followed other visions, an intuitive voice rather than my “this is what I’m supposed to do” voice and focused on how art needs to make me feel rather than on how art needs to feed my goal based objectives. That is, in fact, the original source of ART PORN’s creation back in 2015.

I’m pleased with the results of this year’s paintings both individually and as a body of work for the year but I didn’t finish too much so I can’t show them and there isn’t the kind of cohesiveness you know from me. What is most bold and delightful however, is seeing the large technical improvement in my art skills. This lends me to further exploring my creativity.

 Dec 2018, “Dangerous Woman”, oil on canvas, 12x16 inches

Dec 2018, “Dangerous Woman”, oil on canvas, 12x16 inches

Only when I surrender to this strange inner pull (or slap) and take the time needed for my creative process does my art come out beautiful to me. That process requires as much thinking/reflection time as it does research time as it does painting time. Ultimately all that equals alone time and too much alone time in the middle of managing life’s unexpected traumas is a recipe for bad mental states. I found new survival skills to cope this year but they didn’t involve a lot of personal art time, which usually is my personal savior.

I spent the majority of my days this year teaching art and running life drawing classes while taking as many workshops as possible. This allowed me to not dive too deep internally and focus on the surface areas that needed improvement. As a result, I’ve been bathing in art, just not “mine”. That’s about to change!

Since I have grown as a person, I’ve also grown as an artist.  I definitely feel a shift in my artistic direction but not a drastic one.  I think I’m in a place where I will hone my vision. It’s a good goal for 2019. That and more completed art work! :)

- TvT

New Art: Her Monarchy

I've misplaced my quality SLR camera so I am unable to take proper art photos of my finished paintings until I find it. Pardon the phone pic quality but I do want to get this out and I can do a switch later.  As I complete the unfinished paintings that have been up against a wall for months, I have been hit with some questions about where this is all going. Being I'm designing a new life, art should be part of my main conversation.  

I had a terrific idea in May/June upon which to base the next art show on but it's kinda fizzled. There's been too much going on, too much of a mess to clean up from the fragments left by the sudden shift in life.  As I stated before, I paint very intuitively and recently, I've been struggling to reach that place because of the constructs of what I had envisioned for the next show, which wasn't intuitive: it was planned.  It was based on something very specific and I've not been able to pull all the pieces together. I tried to lay out the visuals I had and play with my compositions and it wasn't working and I don't feel the desire to figure it out in a rush to meet a self created deadline. This all has to be created in a proper state of mind or it won't be good enough and we all know what that feels like.

Instead I've shifted perspectives and gone back to some of what inspired me in the past.  I sifted through a small percentage of my past photography and realized I have a lot of beautiful paintings to be created from them.  I've known that for a while but never truly looked at them long enough to envision them out of what they were, which was photographs. I think it's a way to review and recreate what was never given the chance to be shown and make it into something new.  This idea allows more freedom in the flow of Being and I have felt much better about painting since. While it's the original idea I had when beginning erotic photography - to paint my photos - I pulled away from art in lieu of the lens.  It's kinda full circle to have that photographic imagery inspire the art I now want to create.  I'm interested to see how it will present itself as a full body of work.  I still plan a show in December.

I recently completed two paintings that have been waiting patiently for me to finish.  One I'm showcasing today: "Her Monarchy". This is different than my norm, I think.  I was pulled towards that difference, or maybe I got tired of the open leg concept.  I put it aside early this year and struggled to finish this piece but the butterflies were bright and cheerful and so I focused on that to get me through the bushes so to speak.  I'm happy with it. 

It's been very satisfying to return to regular painting time.  It's a healing and nurturing process, so let me get back to it. :)

Enjoy the new art.  

"Her Monarchy", acrylic on canvas, 20" x 20".  

 
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August: moving onward

I've been lying low since March, when my stepfather passed away suddenly. It threw life into perspective.  A lot has changed and much of it deep so it's hardly in anyone's view. Some things have to be dealt with alone.  I had a pretty good blog written as a synopsis of the past few months but it didn't save and quite frankly, who cares about the past anyway?  We end up as photos to sell or photos to save, and a few stories to the ones who remember us. Perhaps if we are lucky we leave a legacy but most of us end up dust like the ashes I buried with my mom. I'm not sure what life means from the matrix world we all have to exist in, but from my little island, life means time just got that much more valuable and precious to me and that's a game changer.

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To move forward, we move backwards: this week happens to be the one year anniversary of my showing in Las Vegas at the erotic museum.  I admitted on Instagram that I failed in my attempt for a new show by now, a promise I made a year ago. I figure divorce, death and debt are good justifications for the lacking output but I am going to give a huge go attempt for a small show in December in Savannah.

All the really difficult stuff of loss is behind me so I am itching to get lost in painting instead and recharge. That I have a few days a week I can dedicate a good solid 6 hours of painting on a regular basis for this next season is like handing me a little pot of gold because I've not had much of that since March and I miss the artistic state of mind, plus I have a great new pair of high heels to break in before I wear them in public. :) (I stand and pace quite a bit when I paint.)  

Refocus: I have three paintings almost done - not for the erotica show unfortunately but still, three works that need a few hours each and then I can begin posting.  I have one painting finished for the show but I can't reveal that one yet because it may or may not end up in the show.  The ideas are still building and commitments are tough at this stage.  I know. Artistic angst is so crippling.

I have a couple weeks before I begin teaching weekly so I'm planning lots of heavy painting time til then.  Being so out of practice for such discipline, I may have trouble sticking to this but you know, want it, do it. That's what it's going to take to catch up and still have time to do extra paintings for the ones that turn out wrong, awkward or loose the flow.  It's like an insurance policy; plus, sometimes paintings you thought would work in the final flow of a show just don't. 

When there's a deadline, there's a line between getting it done and doing it right so pacing oneself is super important.  I work on drawings between paintings to decompress from color mixing and practice weekly life figure drawing to improve my skills. I really don't feel like I get enough done.  I want to be 18, under my parent's care, in art school -- on solid birth control.

 life drawing sketch

life drawing sketch

 charcoal portraits

charcoal portraits

 life drawing sketches

life drawing sketches

Thanks for your patience and checking back to see what's going on with my art.  My devotion to it in February took an unexpected turn in March so I didn't get very far.  My 2nd attempt at painting devotion has basically begun and will continue until l have enough pieces for a December show. Exciting stuff!  Thanks for following along.

See the latest on my Instagram. - T

Dinosaurs, Outer Space and Sex

The title sounds like some narrow market alien fantasy porn flick but actually, these are three concepts I learned in elementary school that blew me the fuck away.  Thought I'd share those before I show my new art:

Dinosaurs

Why would God create extra large lizards to rule the planet before creating the magnificent Human Beings?  Why would Evolution create extra large lizards and then shrink them when humans rule the world?  Why couldn't Land of the Lost have been real? 

Outer Space

In the 3rd or 4th grade I first learned we exist on a ball of mostly water in a black sky with other balls floating - literally - around a circle of light, AND some of those balls had rings!  That seemed like too much of a fucking crazy ass concept to be real but alas, it was.  That’s when I realized life was magical and going to be full of surprises.

Sex

I liked sex from the moment I realized that it belonged in the adult zone and I wasn't allowed in. What were those smarty pants adults hiding?  I disliked childhood. As an adult, I dislike this concept of "adulting" but I love being an adult woman.  There is no greater pleasure and honor than that.

In celebration of the femininity I own fondly, I finished my somewhat Valentine's themed painting for you all. I've been behind the scenes cranking away in late night paint sessions the past few weeks trying to get this done, in high heels no less.  I'm breaking in a new pair of shoes so it seems appropriate to break them in while painting, no? Of course it does. I also designed the necklace for this painting, which I think adds a nice delicate touch and direction for the eye to delight in.  (I'll post a better quality image as soon as I can get to it)

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. xo, Tatiana

 

"Yours" Size:50 cm x 70 cm (19.70" x 27.56") Acrylic on cotton canvas

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