Reflections on a Body of Work, art in 2018

“Floored”, oil on canvas, 2018

“Floored”, oil on canvas, 2018

A terribly difficult year is about to end and I couldn’t be happier. Not that I need a New Year to refresh my perspective but this year my changes need a good, solid reset button.  Why not add the champagne?

When I went over the art works I completed this year and I about fell over in self shame.  I won’t discuss my personal disappointment with low production.  I’m certain my recent challenges are justified in such failure but in competing with myself, 2018 was a downer. There will be no December show this year.

However, other good things will come about instead.  I’m going for a February show instead but not specifically ART PORN themed because I won’t be able to make enough paintings for it.  I posted some new works on my website recently, some of which will be included in the new show unless I kick ass here soon and create replacements. I also have two large paintings I was working on this spring and haven’t been able to return to them so I hope they will find themselves on a wall completed by February as well. Lastly, I am currently working on a new piece I began this week- because I just had to. I had an idea and needed to get it down before I forgot or lost excitement for it. I boxed up the oil paints that had given me so much trouble this year and pulled out my acrylics and I’m truly loving having my artistic process back, something familiar and somewhat comfortable. My process just doesn’t work the same way with oil paint. What an interesting and frustrating discovery.

While I attempted to continue in my ART PORN vision for the next show, I found it difficult to produce those images this year.  I didn’t like any of my results for my ART PORN themes and that’s awful, when the artist doesn’t like their own work.  In frustration I simply painted what I felt driven towards even when it didn’t make sense – and a lot of it didn’t.  However, when I look at the totality of what I created this year, I see what I needed to see and feel this year wasn’t meant to be a show for others but rather a display for my own eyes.

When living and creating through intuitive processes, the level of self-trust required is elite and it’s just plain difficult, I won’t lie.  In my case, I give myself a gold medal because it was excruciating not succeeding in creating any ART PORN paintings to completion while knowing week after week that I was in no way going to be able to create the show I wanted to because I wasn’t producing enough good work — and, I can’t really explain why they weren’t good enough other than they felt off.  Trusting the creative process when the direction you’re going isn’t making sense is the most difficult thing to surrender to.  I really tried very hard to go into the ART PORN direction but it didn’t work.  Every painting was such a struggle and a place of negative emotion that the paintings and the process itself just wasn’t satisfying on any level.  I had to stop. Instead I followed other visions, an intuitive voice rather than my “this is what I’m supposed to do” voice and focused on how art needs to make me feel rather than on how art needs to feed my goal based objectives. That is, in fact, the original source of ART PORN’s creation back in 2015.

I’m pleased with the results of this year’s paintings both individually and as a body of work for the year but I didn’t finish too much so I can’t show them and there isn’t the kind of cohesiveness you know from me. What is most bold and delightful however, is seeing the large technical improvement in my art skills. This lends me to further exploring my creativity.

Dec 2018, “Dangerous Woman”, oil on canvas, 12x16 inches

Dec 2018, “Dangerous Woman”, oil on canvas, 12x16 inches

Only when I surrender to this strange inner pull (or slap) and take the time needed for my creative process does my art come out beautiful to me. That process requires as much thinking/reflection time as it does research time as it does painting time. Ultimately all that equals alone time and too much alone time in the middle of managing life’s unexpected traumas is a recipe for bad mental states. I found new survival skills to cope this year but they didn’t involve a lot of personal art time, which usually is my personal savior.

I spent the majority of my days this year teaching art and running life drawing classes while taking as many workshops as possible. This allowed me to not dive too deep internally and focus on the surface areas that needed improvement. As a result, I’ve been bathing in art, just not “mine”. That’s about to change!

Since I have grown as a person, I’ve also grown as an artist.  I definitely feel a shift in my artistic direction but not a drastic one.  I think I’m in a place where I will hone my vision. It’s a good goal for 2019. That and more completed art work! :)

- TvT

Kavanaugh, Character & Whorehood

(this post is the continuation of my Kavanaugh views from my previous post. )

Regarding Kavanaugh, I quote this (though there were a bunch of great articles I could quote from, this one sums it up both about him and the US President):

At a campaign rally in Mississippi on Tuesday night, Trump openly mocked Ford’s testimony. The display was condemned by three Republican senators — Susan Collins (Maine), Lisa Murkowski (Alaska) and Jeff Flake (Arizona) — who are seen as swing votes.

“There’s no time and no place for remarks like that,” Flake said on NBC’s “Today” show. “To discuss something this sensitive at a political rally is just not right. It’s just not right. I wish he hadn’t done it. I just say it’s kind of appalling.”

“The president’s comments were just plain wrong,” Collins said.

After an initial review of the FBI report, Collins told reporters that it appeared “to be a very thorough investigation.” Flake said the same, adding that he saw no additional corroborating evidence to substantiate the allegations against the nominee.

Meanwhile, more than 1,200 law professors have signed a letter opposing Kavanaugh’s confirmation, arguing that during last week’s hearings he “displayed a lack of judicial temperament that would be disqualifying for any court.” (emphasis is mine) (source)

One thousand two hundred law professors are a lot of legal minds to pass concerned judgment over a few handfuls of “experts” in the Judiciary Committee and of course, Donald Duck himself. It is only on faith we may support the idea that the FBI interviews were “very thorough”.

I watched the hearings. I felt Ford, her pain and struggle. She didn’t convince me her assailant was in fact Kavanaugh but she definitely experienced sexual assault (though, honestly, drunken teens in the 80s it may have sincerely been more horseplay than assault but her assailant, whoever it was, didn’t rape her and fact is, who knows if that was an intent. Maybe the intent was not even intended to be more than dumb teens fucking around so, while she was in fact rightfully fearful, there’s no way to know that the assailant was in fact going to rape her or just fuck with her head so to speak — and he did succeed in that point, we must agree there). Ford brought heroism to America and real heroes are those who take the risks because it’s for the greater good, not for titles, praise or fame. Her testimony was compelling and riveting. I waited to hear Kavanaugh with an open mind. He deserved that; we all do. Within five minutes of his opening statements, I felt totally stunned by his outcries. Just shocked he displayed himself so angry and accusatory - as a judge! Isn’t he supposed to show he can rise above the commoners and walk the tight rope like a professional? Ford did.

If you read my last post, you know I oppose Kavanaugh but not necessarily because he committed, maybe, a sexual assault. We don’t know he did factually and so in fairness, being we are in America, he must be taken as innocent and proven guilty. It’s the right thing to do on the foundation of our Constitutional gifts even if it may feel very wrong for some citizens. One can’t just “believe her” and make assumptions. Sure protest and be heard but seriously realize that beliefs are not facts in law terms and it has to be this way. Constitutional laws are in place to protect everyone, not just your views. The deeper problem isn’t if he’s guilty or not at this point in time; but Kavanaugh’s very character is flawed in so that he reeks of beer and disorientation of what “good character” looks like from a truly strong, honest and honorable man vantage point.

Alcohol forces your inhibitions down and nothing pushes people into their fantasy zone faster. If you want to fuck up, drink too much. It’s a guarantee, except, the depth of your fuck up is the unknown variable. So, we know this and thus shouldn’t expect Kavanaugh to have behaved better in a time pre-MeToo movement. He’s grandfathered in so to speak. However!

Kavanaugh’s demeanor during the hearing was unbecoming of an honorable, disciplined, compassionate, sympathetic, intelligent man. It was difficult to sympathize with his misfortune the same way I sympathized with Ford’s misfortune. The Supreme Court demands an honorable demeanor because it is the most honorable seat. He couldn’t even fake his demeanor. Do you understand this? He couldn’t rise above it and fake it.

Women are good at faking it because that is what we all must do to get ahead at some point in our lives. For some it’s rarely or occasionally and for others it’s often. We, as in women, deal with so much male bullshit that we bathe in hot tubs and pretty perfume so we may smell of flowers rather than the shit stink manifested in all sorts of creative ways upon us. There’s always a new generation that isn’t into the bathing, smelling pretty path of faking it. They don’t want to fake it so they’re saying fuck it instead, fuck you to be more exact, I think. They are rebels and we all need a dose of rebel yell to shake up the monotony of life’s yes-men (or women). If this didn’t happen, most of America really wouldn’t know or care about who Kavanaugh was. Agree or not, this made us all think deeper about a variety of important issues facing Americans today.

If a woman displayed Kavanaugh’s demeanor in a hot-seat situation, she’d be devoured by ridicule, played as too weak to take the pressures of the job. She would be - unfortunately - a false testament to how “emotional” women are and thus unfit to serve. I’m no fan of Hillary Clinton but if she acted this way, she would just never live that down. She would have broken all the power she took years to cultivate. And, in the process, sadly I say this, but she wouldn’t make women look any better than our stereotype. The same holds true for Anita Hill or any woman put before a group of men asking loads of testing questions. So how did Kavanaugh make good men actually look good?

I simply didn’t see in Kavanaugh, the kind of man worthy of a lifetime appointment on the United States Supreme Court, the final word of the land. Kavanaugh did lie under oath before and his emotional outburst was difficult to witness. He dodged questions, was rather rude and obnoxious and was a complete turn off to me. I couldn’t tell if he was authentically hurting, acting or just stuck in puberty like a little lost blame-it-on-others boy. I felt he embarrassed himself. I cringed from it. I spoke with a Republican friend of mine and he felt totally the opposite of me. It’s hard to argue the perspective in the way one sees another because we skew our perspective to suit our visions. I’m not right or wrong; I’m just an embodiment of a particular view that suits the way I view the privilege of serving on the highest court in our country. Step it up if it you want the highest step. I simply expect more but for others, there isn’t more to expect. Ultimately, our expectations determine the kind of life we end up creating. Unity is a tough road for us all.

***I said I’d not discuss this til the vote was over. I am impatient on this and very busy the next week and won’t get back to this for several weeks. I expect Kavanaugh to be voted in now that two of the senators stated a yes vote. It’s not a huge disappointment because I expected this but I was hoping he would at least not get voted in due to his expression of character so that surprises me and disappoints me but politicians usually do… so back to my painting corner I go, a world that makes sense to me. Plus, I picked up a new book to tell you about in the near future. It’s about the history of prostitution aka whorehood if you were wondering how I folded that word into the title. :) It should be interesting to add that info to the history of pornography knowledge I’ve gained. ***

The best erotic poem

Beautiful.  This is erotic poetry perfection:

"I want to fuck the shit out of her insecurities until the beauty of her soul spills onto the covers that she always hides under... until she lays there, stripped of her flaws...lying ass naked in her desirability...and then maybe...I would take her clothes off."

--A.D. Woods 


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